He's Your Real Baby

Last night we went to our favorite burger joint for dinner and ice cream.  We were having a great time and everyone was in high spirits.

While we were getting our ice cream, Jack was flirting with a woman waiting for her burger order.  She came up and told me how cute he was and asked how old he was.  It was all very pleasant.  Then she saw Rachel and Nicholas and said, "Are those your children too?"  When I said yes, she replied, "Adopted right?"  After her next comments, I wish I had said, "No why do you ask?"

This is where the conversation took a turn, not maliciously I hope, but a turn none the less.  This stranger then looked back at Jack and said, "He is your real son, right?"  I was blown away, but managed to stammer out, "He is our biological son."  Then she went on to ask, referring to Rachel and Nicholas, "Are they brother and sister?"  I said, "Yes they are biologically related."  Then the woman's order was up and she left, but I felt like someone had ripped the rug out from under me.

My adopted kids are my real kids.  Rachel, Nicholas and Jack are all each other's brother and sister.  I guess because I live in this family everyday, I forget that we must look a little strange to some people, but I was still surprised by the way this perfect stranger's use of terms like real, sister and brother could cut so deep.

As is often the case, I replayed the conversation over and over in mind, but with me giving better responses.  In one scenario, the nice scenario, when the question of who was my real child is asked, I responded with, "All of my children are my real children, but yes Jack is our only biological child."  And when the question of who is whose sister and brother, I would have said, "All the kids are each other's real brother and sister because we are in the same family, even if they aren't related biologically.  But yes, Rachel and Nicholas are biologically related."

There is also the indignant scenario in which I respond with, "I understand that our family looks a little unusual to you, but you are asking some very personal questions.  I am sure that you think nothing of it and you are just curious, but really you are being a little rude.  Still, to satisfy your curiosity, all of these children are my real children and gifts from God now matter how they came to us.  Jack came through birth and Rachel and Nicholas came through adoption, but I love no one child any more or less than any other.  And, since this is a learning experience for you, the use of the term 'real' is rather offensive.  It implies that adopted children are not really part of our family and therefore not as good.  Hope you have a pleasant meal.  Good day to you."

If When this happens again, I will have a better response.  I will say that all of my children are my real children despite the fact that we don't share the same biology that they are all brothers and sister.  I will stress that our family is a gift from God created by his will and by his plan. 

I have to have a better response, because my children are listening and how I respond will shape how they see themselves and our family.  I will speak with pride when asked about our intertwined roots and I will not allow others to define us.  I will not be so shocked, or maybe I will, but I will handle it better.

Comments

[Mom Nancy]

I never forget that our family looks different than other families. My husband is half Norwegien, I'm half Danish, so our biological daughter is - well, half Scandanavian. We were told when we lived in Germany that she could easily pass for Danish as she has Danish bone structure and features. Bring into this scenario a beautiful black boy, eight weeks old, and clearly we look different. I have never had anyone use the "real" daughter or say anything about his "real" parents. I'm careful to use biological/adopted words. I get asked if I'm his babysitter/nanny. A black nanny of a black child asked me on a playground if his mother was a professor at a nearby university. I've been asked, when it's just the two of us, if my husband is black. We've been asked on two separate occasions how our family got together. I've even been called his grandmother on a number of occasions. I also know that people tend to remember us because of the makeup of our family. I don't know how I would respond if someone asked questions like you got. I've had children ask if I'm his mommy.

When we visited Universal Studios last fall, a little girl approached us in a restaurant to ask about Noah. I said, matter-of-factly, that he was adopted. The girl asked why he was he adopted. Now, his birth situation is very private, especially to strangers, so I just said his birth mom was too sick to take care of him. The little girl looked at me like I was the biggest liar in the world. Her family was standing in line to get their food right nearby. She said, "His mommy wasn't sick. I don't think that's right." I said, smiling, "Yes it is." She considered this then her mother said, "You know that can happen. You know about your cousins." Then she took the girl back in line with them and apologized. I said it was fine, but I did wonder about the cousins. Was it a multi-cultural thing or something else?

When he was littler (he's only 4 now), we had him in a stroller coming home from a parade and passed a house where a black family lived. The mother was putting her daughter, who was about 4 or 5, in a stoller, probsbly to go to the fairgrounds. The little girl said, "They have a brown baby." The mother smiled and said, "What did I tell you? It doesn't matter what color the baby is as long as he's loved." I thought that was wonderful! I know she's seen my daughter pushing him in the stroller before because we'd talked several times.

I will say we've been so warmly accepted by black families it has been amazing. I expected some hostility but in four years, we've never run into any. Maybe the hostile people, on either side, just don't say anything.

Well, this turned out to be long. Sorry.

[flipflopmamma]

Holy cow, mom nancy left a looooong comment! Anyway, I can't beleive how rude that woman was! I would have said the one you though was mean. Only, like you, I wouldn't have thought Of anything good to say until I was at home. I would have been in shock as I'm sure you were. I'm sorry that happened to your beautiful family.

[Faith]

We get interesting comments as well. I have yet to get the "real" question,but when I do I hope I can think to say,Of course, doesn't he look real to you?!

[Carolyn]

I grew up in an interracial family. Occassionally people would/do ask about "real" siblings. I've always replied that they are all my "real" brothers and sisters - but the comment always catches me by surprise.

We were very lucky that my parents introduced us to a lot of interracial families. With only 2 white and 2 black kids we felt soooo normal compared to the families with 10 kids and 4 nationalities. :-)

My parents always taught us it's not what you look like, it's how you behave that matters.

Keep up the good work.