Too Big a Hastle

Before I get on my soapbox, let me say at the outset that I think that all adoptive parents, however they form their family, are to be applauded. And I have nothing against international adoption, but I wish that potential adoptive parents would look to domestic adoption first.

This weekend I was at a meeting where there happened to be another adoptive parent. We were chatting and it came up that we were hoping that our adoption would be final by November. I commented that the process had taken a bit longer than we anticipated and how we had hoped it would be complete before Rachel started Kindergarten. His reply was, “Domestic adoption is such a hassle. That’s why we went with international adoption.”

I understand that by the time many couples consider adoption they have undergone years of trying to have a biological child and they want to have a child as quickly as possible, but I am always a little disheartened when I flip through an adoption focused magazine and see page after page of ads for international adoptions when there are thousands of children waiting for a family in this country. I guess that I just don’t understand the attraction to international adoption over domestic adoption. If it is the “hassle” factor, I would think that dealing with another country’s government would be more difficult than dealing with our own. If it is a racial issue, most international adoptions aren’t for white children even though most adoptive parents in this country are white. If it is because people want to have a baby and not an older child, if you can get past having a white baby, the wait is very short.

People say to us all the time, “Oh, your children are adopted? Where are they from?” Alexandria Virginia. Then they look at us like we are crazy or we didn’t understand the question. Then the light goes off and they say, “You adopted them from this country?” Yes. I am always tempted to, and someday I might, ask, “Why is the idea that we adopted children from our own country so strange? Is there something wrong with American children? Are they not as good as foreign born children?”

We very well may adopt another child someday. We may go through foster care again or we may go through an agency. Nonetheless, however we adopt, we will adopt from this country. 

Comments

[DeAnna]

I totally agree! We get the same questions with our girls "Where are they from?" California and Florida and it takes people a while to register that those aren't foreign countries. The thing that frustrates me is that I definitely think there is a need for international adoption and if that's the way you are called, that's wonderful - but some people think we are doing something crazy by adopting domestically. For us, when we started thinking of adoption, domestic was what we wanted for many reasons. With a friend of mine who has adopted internationally she can't understand us being ok with meeting or being in contact with the birthmother. I think some people feel that all ties will be broke if they adopt internationally. And then we do get the people that say "Yeah, well domestic adoption takes too long" to which I respond, we signed up to adopt and had our daughter a month later. With our second daughter, we had an adoption fall through (long story) then 1 1/2 months later had our little girl. Unless you are pretty picky about things, you really can adopt relatively quickly. Like you said, I applaud adoptive parents in general, and there is a need both internationally and domestically, but people shouldn't "down" those of us who have decided to stay in our country to adopt. We really should be supporting and uplifting each other -- either way we both are giving children a home and love that so many need!

[flipflopmamma]

I don't know, but I think people are afraid to adopt domestically in fear of the birth mother coming and taking back their child. which is hard to do with international adoption...but, I don't really know. Just a thought.

[Mom Nancy]

It always takes me a second when people ask where Noah's from. Philadelphia. It was even stranger when we lived in the Philadelphia area and got that question.

[Brianna]

My husband and I have two sons adopted from Ethiopia. I have found the opposite to be true, I've had several people imply that we should take care of "our own" first before adopting out of country, which I find offensive. Why do people in Africa somehow count less? It would seem that a lot of people in the US couldn't care less about the starving in Africa, when it comes down to it.

Orphans in third-world countries oftentimes literally have no opportunity for the future. If they survive into adulthood, they end up on the streets begging, emaciated, and dirty. If they're on the streets they'll have no access to medical care. They'll be lucky to live past 40. If they're handicapped or have any sort of special needs, they're doubly in trouble.

On our trip to Ethiopia I saw things I have never, ever seen before. Things that tore me up inside. These people need our help. And that's why we adopted from Ethiopia. Our sons had no one, as their mother was too ill and poor to care for them. My husband and I are white, so it was not a "racial" issue for us to not adopt domestically.

I know many, many international adoptive parents. They have huge, beautiful hearts and didn't make the decision to adopt from Ethiopia (or elsewhere) because it was less of a "hassle." (On a side note, there is a lot of paperwork, dealing with the federal gov't, etc.) Their hearts were moved by the millions of orphans there, many of whom are dying every day, I can think of at least five babies offhand that have passed away in orphanages in the last few months. There aren't government programs there for poor people, there aren't soup kitchens or homeless shelters or food stamps. There aren't group homes, or foster parents. There is an urgency to help these people and we plan to continue doing so. And NOT because it's less of a hassle than domestic adoption.

ALL orphans need a home, whether here in the United States or abroad. But please don't assume that we're all adopting from Ethiopia because it's "easy", and please don't believe that children in the US somehow count more than the children in Africa.

[DeAnna]

I guess the truth is we are all going to face opposition from people - even others who have adopted. Some people question why we adopted transracially, but then there are those that if a white couple adopts a white baby they judge them because they didn't adopt transracially. Or some ask if you adopt in the states, how could you when kids are suffering in orphanages, but if you adopt from other countries, why would you go elsewhere when there are kids that need a home here. And even then if you do go internationally why not go with ** country because ** country already has so many people adopting from there. Really the criticism goes on and on.... The truth is there are never enough people adopting from any country or we wouldn't have orphanages or so many kids left in the foster care system. I know that we were called to adopt domestically not for any lack of "hassle" or because US kids are better or any other reason, but because God directed us this way. We had gone to a meeting regarding international adoptions as well, but when we found the first agency we went through it was a total peace that we were supposed to go this way and a month later when I held my precious daughter, I knew that she was the child God had for me. Like I said in my first comment, rather than thinking someone elses way of adopting is wrong, we all should be supporting each other in our decision.

[Lola]

I've been a foster parent and there are times, particularly at adoption events when some (NOT ALL) international adopters make comments that upset me. BUT, having done volunteer work abroad and having sponsor children abroad, the reality is children in Africa and Asia as well as Russia have virtually no future. THey are often kicked out of orphanages at ages 8, 10, 12 etc with nothing but the clothes on their backs, you can imagine what happens to them, the vast majority of them end up in very abusive situations, one study showed that in 1 country within a couple of years of being phased out of orphanages as children, 50% had died.
Their countries have no systems to really support them, that is the reality. Seeing this made me remember that there are adopters with ignorance in every country. I was recently at a domestic adoption event and found out that there are 500 white couples waiting for every caucasian newborn in the US, and yet many many agencies still struggle to place black children and newborns, with larger numbers of US black children being adopted by Canadians and Europeans. I know 4 Christian couples (2 who were Pastors) who would only adopt a caucasian newborn from the US. I personally, find that very disturbing.

I like the quote "with children there are no borders" the reality is that every single child deserves a family to love them, care for them and support them throughout their life. I just wish that children of certain colors were not less wanted by such a significant number of people. I personally don't like the debate about where people should adopt from, I would rather turn my testimony into supporting people adopting children whether that be from the US or abroad, knowing that another child has a chance of happiness and love!

I have to say of all the challenges I've had as a foster mama, the transracial bit has been a small part. Adding another culture has actually been a joy, a real blessing, I feel richer because of it!