Ahhh, That Ole Insecure Feeling, I Know You Too Well

So the department that I graduated from at college is having a reunion this month to coincide with Homecoming.  A friend of mine asked if I was going to attend.  This friend, by the way, is unmarried without children and would therefore travel totally unencumbered.  I had to say that I was not sure.

First there is the whole traveling with small children thing.  Nothing says "vacation" like having to go to bed at 7:30 because you are bunking down with the kids.  Then my daughter's Brownie troupe announced that their Girl Scout camp out was the same weekend.  Off topic, this is a "camp out" in which they don't really "camp out" because they don't spend the night, which is fine, but nonetheless odd and a story for another time.

Then I thought that maybe I would just go alone.  And by "alone" I mean with only one child, which is about as close to alone as I get.  Might be fun.  Visit the ole stomping grounds.  See the sights.  Walk down memory lane.  But then I remembered that memory lane has some rather significant pot holes.

First, there was the question of who would be there.  Let's just say that there are some ole bows that I would rather not run in to again.  Then I started thinking about who else would be at this reunion and I started to get that sinking feeling that I so often felt in college.  You know the one.  Everyone else is cooler than me.  I am such a loser.  They're all going to laugh at me.

Then I got a hold of myself, gave myself a little shake and said, "Self, knock it off.  You are a capable, likable woman who has accomplished much in life.  You are too far past 20 for this much pity and self absorption."  So I sent off an e-mail to the list of people who had been coordinating the weekend's activities stating that I was going to try to make it.  I also sent an e-mail off to someone I knew who is announced that he is now living relatively close to me suggesting that we get together and catch up.

I was feeling pretty good about myself.  I was no longer that insecure 20 year old who had a habit of dating the wrong boys, smoking and letting life happen to me instead of the other way around.  I am in my 30's now.  I am happily married and the mother of 4 children.  I am involved in my community.  I have learned to hold my tongue (this blog being evidence to the contrary).  There is a lot for me to be proud of.

I think I was taken off the e-mail list.  Since I sent my e-mail I haven't heard anything.  Nothing from the nearby classmate and nothing from the group.  Suddenly, I am 20 years old again hoping that I am not the geekiest one in the room, but secretly knowing that I am.  Perhaps everyone is just busy.  Maybe they aren't all whispering behind my back trying to figure out who put me on the list in the first place.  Maybe they are all just jealous of my great life.  But maybe not.

Ah... insecurity.  You fit like an old robe, all tattered and worn, but familiar in your ugliness.  I wear you well.

UPDATE:  Someone e-mailed me about the reunion today.  I am not a complete loser.   Caloo, Kalay...Oh happy day!

Comments

[Kelly O]

Oh I so relate. I bet we all do. I always feel like at any moment, everyone will turn to me, fingers pointed, and screech, "YOU! You don't belong here!"