Nohe 5

Together We Flew

Yesterday Rachel, Jack, Teddy and I went to a playground while Nicholas was at dance class.  It was a normal day, Rachel played on the swings, Jack climbed on everything and Teddy ate mulch.  I pretty much let them run free.  I am not one of those hovering moms.  I figured that we played on metal equipment that was sunk into a cement slab and survived, so molded plastic over soft mulch is probably pretty safe.

At one point I sat down on the swings.  Now I must say that all this exercising that I have been doing must be starting to pay off, because, for the first time in a long time, the swing did not immediately become a butt vice.

Without even realizing it, I started to push myself back and forth and before I knew it, I was pumping my legs and flying through the air.  Rachel was swinging next to me and a look of surprise and joy passed over her face.  We were swinging back and forth together in perfect sync. 

Often, as many mothers of daughters can relate to I'm sure, Rachel and I butt heads.  I'm suborned and generally stretched to my limit and she is dramatic and prone to whining.  This is not a good combination.  I love her to death, but I know that karma is paying me back big time for every Sarah Barnheart moment that I had as a kid.

However, all of that evaporated yesterday and for a moment mother and daughter flew through the air in perfect harmony.  We laughed and squealed.  It was one of the most simple and pure moments of joy I have ever experienced.

I Am Just About Giddy

Driving around town today, I got down right giddy.  Finally, after a long winter, the trees were covered in green.  It is that fabulous new green that is almost neon.  Add to that the branches and trunks look almost black due to the two days of rain that we've had and the effect is spectacular.

Spring is here!  Spring is here!  Spring is here at last!

Ode to my Shower

I love my shower.  There are just so many things to love about it, it is hard to know where to start.

First it is warm.  Now that we are into the real part of winter, I just never feel warm, except in the shower.  That warm water hits me and I feel my capillaries open up.  My muscles relax.  My lungs fill with steamy warm air and I feel warmed all the way to my core.

There are nice smelling soaps and shampoo in my shower.  I spend most of my day with three small, smelly boys.  I change a lot of diapers and let's just say that Jack is an adventurous eater.  You can follow that to its logical conclusion without me adding any more to that statement.  But in the shower, everything smells like flowers and vanilla.  It is quite lovely.

Finally, my favorite, favorite thing about the shower, it is the only place in the house where I can be truly alone.  Sure it is only for 10 or 15 minutes, but it is totally ME time.  Ahhhhh, time away from crying babies, destructive toddlers, constant questioning, fights and whining.  Time for Mommy.

Unfortunately, and I know this is totally gross and you will never look at me the same way, I don't get to take a shower every day.  It grosses me out too.  But when I board the Mommy Hamster Wheel in the morning, I often don't get off until I collapse at which point my lifeless body spins around a couple more loops out of shear momentum until coming to a stop and flinging my exhausted body in to bed on to the couch where I fall asleep because I continue to live under the delusion that I am not the mother of four energetic children who suck the life out all day leaving me not even enough energy to watch mindless sitcoms after they go to bed.

Ahhhhh, the shower.  A warm, sweet smelling sanctuary of solitude.  How I love you.

Learning About My Heritage

Today I learned something very important about my Litunanian heritage. 

I was putting together my grocery list and meal schedule for the week and thought that I might try some recipes from my Lithuanian cookbook.  This thing is old school and very authentic.  Well, the first three chapters were bread, dessert and cookies.  Apparently, Dr. Atkins was not Lithuanian.  This explains so much.

It explains why my mother can not pass a beautiful dessert without at least a little taste.  It is genetic.  Ohhh the lovely, but not so tasty desserts that have passed through our house.  And let us not forget the Thanksgiving that she bought 5 dozen rolls for 8 adults and 2 children.  I'm not good at math, but that is something like 6 rolls per person.

Glory Days

Reunions are a funny thing.  Getting ready for mine at Catawba College this past weekend felt a lot like getting ready for a first date, but worse.  I wanted to make a good impression, but these were people who I had seen practically on a daily basis for 4 years.  So in short, it was like getting a second chance to make a first impression, but without that convenient blank slate.

I found myself second guessing everything and looking at my life with very judgmental eyes.  What had I done with my life over the last 10 years?  It couldn't be that special.  I mean I was there for it all and it doesn't impress me.  I was convinced that everyone else was curing cancer or inventing a better mouse trap.  Why I thought a bunch of theatre majors were curing cancer or making mouse traps is just an example of how crazy I was driving myself.

Listening to 6 straight hours of This American Life helped put me at ease.  There is just something about Ira Glass' voice that makes it seem like everything is going to work out alright.  The downside of that much American Life is that you start to hear Ira Glass' voice narrating your life like a scene out of Stranger Than Fiction.

Stepping in to that world full of people from the past was like stepping through a time warp.  The faces were familiar, but the lives were different.  Very few of us had stuck to our big post graduation plans, but everyone seemed happy.  Of course, I guess that if you are unhappy with how you life is going, you generally don't come to reunions to brag about it.  "Hey guys.  My life sucks, so what have you been up since graduation?"

The energy of the group was more low key.  It's like we had all figured out what was important in life and had shed the keyed up energy that comes from trying to grab a hold of all the brass rings because we knew that we had the gold ring tight within our grasp.  There was not competition.  Our lives were our lives, other had their lives, there didn't seem to be any one upsmanship.  Rather it was time spent catching up, exchanging stories and laughing over memories of our youth.

Despite how nervous I was going in and how I flipped flopped about whether I was even going to go or not, I can not say how glad I am that I went.  The biggest thing I got out of the whole experience was to actually see how far I have come in ten years.  Every time I thought about this reunion I would become overwhelmed with the feelings of inadequacy that haunted my college years.  I felt lost, insecure and small.  I was sure that when I went back to the campus I would still be the person I was when I went there, but I am not.  I am happy in my life and confident in myself.  I am sure of my life choices and no longer feel that I need to justify them to the world at large.  Where did that come from?  What happened to those doubts, fears and loneliness of college?  Oh they are still there, but I have a little more life experience now and I know how much credence to give those voices in my head telling me to hide under the covers and just disappear from life.

Saturday morning I walked around campus with Teddy and watched the bleary eyed students walking to the cafeteria for breakfast.  I read the signs for activities and groups.  I even saw a young man talking on his phone in his boxer shorts and had to fight the urge tell him to go back inside his dorm.  I thought back to myself at that age.  I, like them, thought I had it all figured out and I knew how the world worked.  I was an adult.  I, like them, was making my mark on the world.  Now I was just wondering who said it was OK for all of these babies to live on their own.

Ahhh, That Ole Insecure Feeling, I Know You Too Well

So the department that I graduated from at college is having a reunion this month to coincide with Homecoming.  A friend of mine asked if I was going to attend.  This friend, by the way, is unmarried without children and would therefore travel totally unencumbered.  I had to say that I was not sure.

First there is the whole traveling with small children thing.  Nothing says "vacation" like having to go to bed at 7:30 because you are bunking down with the kids.  Then my daughter's Brownie troupe announced that their Girl Scout camp out was the same weekend.  Off topic, this is a "camp out" in which they don't really "camp out" because they don't spend the night, which is fine, but nonetheless odd and a story for another time.

Then I thought that maybe I would just go alone.  And by "alone" I mean with only one child, which is about as close to alone as I get.  Might be fun.  Visit the ole stomping grounds.  See the sights.  Walk down memory lane.  But then I remembered that memory lane has some rather significant pot holes.

First, there was the question of who would be there.  Let's just say that there are some ole bows that I would rather not run in to again.  Then I started thinking about who else would be at this reunion and I started to get that sinking feeling that I so often felt in college.  You know the one.  Everyone else is cooler than me.  I am such a loser.  They're all going to laugh at me.

Then I got a hold of myself, gave myself a little shake and said, "Self, knock it off.  You are a capable, likable woman who has accomplished much in life.  You are too far past 20 for this much pity and self absorption."  So I sent off an e-mail to the list of people who had been coordinating the weekend's activities stating that I was going to try to make it.  I also sent an e-mail off to someone I knew who is announced that he is now living relatively close to me suggesting that we get together and catch up.

I was feeling pretty good about myself.  I was no longer that insecure 20 year old who had a habit of dating the wrong boys, smoking and letting life happen to me instead of the other way around.  I am in my 30's now.  I am happily married and the mother of 4 children.  I am involved in my community.  I have learned to hold my tongue (this blog being evidence to the contrary).  There is a lot for me to be proud of.

I think I was taken off the e-mail list.  Since I sent my e-mail I haven't heard anything.  Nothing from the nearby classmate and nothing from the group.  Suddenly, I am 20 years old again hoping that I am not the geekiest one in the room, but secretly knowing that I am.  Perhaps everyone is just busy.  Maybe they aren't all whispering behind my back trying to figure out who put me on the list in the first place.  Maybe they are all just jealous of my great life.  But maybe not.

Ah... insecurity.  You fit like an old robe, all tattered and worn, but familiar in your ugliness.  I wear you well.

UPDATE:  Someone e-mailed me about the reunion today.  I am not a complete loser.   Caloo, Kalay...Oh happy day!

Confession Time: I Voted for a Reality Show Contestant

Would you vote for this man?  I did.  His name is Gregg Chavez and he is a contestant on American Inventor.  What you've never heard of American Inventor?  It is a a reality show wherein people bring in their inventions, the 6 best get $50,000 to invest in their idea then America gets to vote for the best of the top three.  I have never...never...NEVER voted for anything remotely related to a reality show.  In fact, I am more than a little embarrassed to say that I voted for Gregg Chavez, but his invention was just that cool.

Gregg invented the Guardian Angel, which is a Christmas tree topper that attaches to a small tank of water (disguised as a present) under the tree.  Should the tree catch on fire, the topper becomes a sprinkler to put out the fire and an alarm sounds to warn those in the house to get out fast.  Gregg, a firefighter from Camarillo, CA, came up with the idea after seeing too many houses destroyed by Christmas tree fires.  Watching the demo was breath taking as it was shown in a split screen with a tree that was not being protected by the Guardian Angel.  The house with the Guardian Angel was barely damaged while the other house was totally consumed in a matter of minutes.

I can already hear it, "OK, sounds cool, but you voted on a reality show.  You are now that kind of person.  The kind of person who votes on silly television shows."  True, but this thing was really cool and it is going up against a backless bra and motorized paper airplanes.  I felt a moral obligation to vote.  I mean which is more important, wearing a backless dress without showing straps or saving people from fires?  Besides, I am not one of those people who votes for television reality contestants but then doesn't vote in real elections that elect real people who can have a very real effect on our lives.

I'll find out Wednesday if my guy won.  So don't call my house between 9 and 10, I'll be watching the returns come in.

Spring Fever

I am getting Spring Fever big time.  I know what you are thinking, "Oh great another post about how much Kris hates winter, the cold, ect. ect. ect.  Didn't she already write about this once today?"  Yes, I did, but that is just how bad it is.

Today I even looked up when my favorite farmer's market gets started.  APRIL 1!!!!  It seems so far away!  I just miss the simple things like not having to put on 12 layers of clothes to get the mail, walking out of the house without playing 'who hid their glove behind the hall tree,' the feeling of the sun on my bare arms, getting in the shower and not having the water hurt my feet at first because my near frozen capillaries burst open under the sudden warmth, ect. ect. ect.

The sun is out now, which helps a little.  Of course that is totally tempered by the fact that I have to go to a boring meeting tonight filled with people I don't particularly like, but those are comments that I will not share with the world until such time as they do not come back to bite me in the butt.

I dream of sun, warmth and feeling the grass under my feet.  Not having to fold a mountain of socks because we tend to wear a lot of sandals in the winter.  Relaxed schedules.  Fireflies.  Eating outside (one of my favorites).  Going to the pool.  Food cooked on the grill.  The color green as far as the eye can see.  I love it all.

Tell me what you love about summer.  Or tell me I'm crazy and give me a reason to love winter.

Totally Tasteless Plug

Ok.  So next week is my 31st Birthday.  I know.  It snuck up on me too.  Anyway, I have been thinking about what I want to do to celebrate.  Last year, the beig 3-0 went totally unacknowledged.  Not because I was afraid to turn 30, but because I felt so much pressure from people asking me what I was going to do that I just got overwhelmed and did nothing at all.  Plus, Jack was only a few months old and like I needed to be going out on the town knowing that I was going to be waking up multiple time during the night.

This year is a little different.  I would like to do something, but I just don't know what.  I beginning to think that I would like to take the kiddos to see Happy Feet and then maybe go out for burgers.  It's funny that that would be what I am drawn too.  I am always the one making a big deal out of everyone else's birthday, but when it comes to my own, I just want to chill.  Give me a big heapin' helping of "No Extra Work" for my B-Day.

Nonetheless, if there are some people out there who want to help me celebrate by getting me a little somethin' somethin', here is a totally tacky and shameless plug for somethings that I would like.  I know my lack of class astounds even me.

James Taylor at Christmas

Dan Zanes and Friends, Family Dance

Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria

John Lithgow, The Sunny Side of the Street

Memory Keepers Daughter, Kim Edwards

Team of Rivals (books on CD version)

OK that is enough greed for one day.  By the by, these were listed in to particular order.  For a person not used to asking for what she wants, I think I did a more than adiquate job here. 

Such a greedy girl.  Shame shame on me :)

Getting Away

Last weekend, I had my first kid free 24 hours in almost 2 years.  I left Thursday night and didn't come home until Saturday night.  All I could think leading up to my departure was how I was finally going to have some time to focus on myself...for a change.

I dreamed of sprawling out in a king sized bed.  Talking to adults about adult things. Not cutting anyone's food in to small choke proof pieces.  It was going to be great!  Marty predicted that I would miss the children more than I thought.  HA!  Fool who gets to leave the house everyday!  What did he know?  Sure I would miss them, but I was going to bath in the waters of solitude and drink the nectar of quiet.

When I left on Thursday, I got tears from Rachel and a promise that she would cry every night that I was gone, a cheery send off from Nicholas and basically indifference from the baby.  I gassed up and headed off in to the sun set as quickly as someone heading south from DC can do during rush hour.

The trouble started when I found myself listening to Veggie Tales and Curious George in the car.  I was supposed to be listening to grown-up music and NPR.  But I blamed that on the traveling and the fickleness of picking up radio stations as one travels.

Then I kept checking the rear view mirror to check on the kids in the back seat.  In my world there are always kids in the back seat.  My stomach jumped in panic each time I saw the empty seat.  Before I could remember that I was on a grown up trip, my motherly instincts would set off an alarm.  Had I left the children somewhere?!?  Yes I had...with their father...at home.  Sigh of relief.

I got the hotel, checked in and checked out the room.  I immediately called home to check on the family.  Everyone was fine.  I turned on the television.  Nothing good.  So I went to Merchant's Square to pick up some dinner.

As I wondered around, browsing the shoppes, I found that all I was interested in buying was stuff for the kiddos.  I bought Nicholas an adorable tricorner hat and Rachel a Holly Hobby bonnet.  I did manage to buy something for myself too...a sandwich for dinner.

By the middle of Friday, I had to admit that maybe Marty was right.  I missed my family desperately.  While traveling with the whole crew is a lot of work, being without them is just lonely.  I missed the noise, the chaos, the hugs and kisses.  I missed hearing their stories and endless explanations of mundane everyday things.  I missed my husband and kids, my family.

Since I couldn't go home, I did the next best thing.  I called my Mom and Dad and asked to stay at their house the second night.  I was the choice.  I got to have adult conversation and I only had to put myself to bed, but I was with family.

So in leaving my family, I learned that with them is the only place for me.